Tag: learning

Thoughts on Self-Appreciation

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The other day I was talking to one of my best friends about my final chemotherapy session. I messaged her this:

“I need to be selfish for like 32 seconds and then I promise I’ll get off my ego box and I’ll put it back where it belongs but like… in 9 days I’ll be done with my last chemo session. Possibly ever (at least for a very VERY long time). How cool is that?! And I did that! That was me! I’m so absurdly excited for so many random things:

Plants in the house, spicy burritos, swimming, seeing people without worrying about if they’re sick, SHAVING (believe it or not, I am jacked for the first time I get to shave my legs after this), NOSE HAIRS (oh my god nose hairs how I’ve missed you). I’m excited for the first person I meet when all my hair and eyebrows grows back and they didn’t know I had cancer at all. I’m excited that I’m going to get to help other people. I’m excited to sit in a classroom. I’m excited to pet all the dogs. I’m excited that every day is going to be like Christmas from now on. I’m excited to celebrate my birthday. I used to HATE celebrating my birthday, but you know what? People are gifts. I’m a gift. You’re a gift. Birthdays are the time to super duper extra appreciate that gift. And you know what? I appreciate my own existence on this earth.”

Yes, with the exception of the removal of a few expletives, I said exactly this, poor wording and all. And after I was done sending it, I felt guilty for saying that I was going to celebrate myself more. I felt narcissistic and selfish. Then it hit me: that is so messed up that I can’t enjoy my existence for a half a second without feeling like an egotistical prick.

My whole life is filled with wanting to help others and be a better person overall of the sake of others. So this moment that I focused on myself felt so… wrong. So wrong in fact that even talking about myself in a positive light with one of my best friends felt disgusting. And THAT is incredibly twisted.

 

So I have a question for everyone who is reading this: Why is it considered shameful to appreciate your own existence?

Now hear me out. I’m not talking about self love here. Yes, it’s important to love yourself inside and out and to take care of yourself and all that jazz, but that’s not what I’m saying. I’m also not talking about being comfortable being alone with yourself and being okay with being alone. I’m talking about a real appreciation for yourself. Still not understanding?

Let’s try an example: Imagine your favorite person. This person is someone that you love more than anyone else and you don’t know what you’d do if you didn’t have them in your life. Do you have a visual of them yet? I’ll give you a moment to conjure an image of them in your mind’s eye.

Why do you love this person so much? Is knowing that they’re out there in the world living and breathing reason enough to love them the way you do? Do you appreciate that they exist on this earth and exist in your life? Do you love the way that they are simply themselves?  

 

Why don’t you feel this way about yourself?

Before you blow off that last question, take a second to really think about your answer to the question. Do you really, genuinely appreciate the human you are? Do you love that you’re a person with earth under your feet and sun on your skin and that you take up space on this earth? Do you ever have a moment in your life when you love exactly who you are and don’t want to change something about yourself?

Because if I’m being perfectly honest with myself, I don’t appreciate myself that way.  I don’t appreciate myself that way even though that’s how I appreciate my loved ones and almost anyone who crosses my path. I don’t value my time, my person or what I’ve contributed to the world thus far in life. I want to change that. Unfortunately it took cancer for me to want to change that or even figure out that I didn’t appreciate myself in the first place.

Saying I’m going to appreciate myself more is great, but doing it is another thing. Here’s a few ways that I want to appreciate myself more:

 

Be Mindful

This is the large, overarching way that I want to appreciate myself more. I am my biggest criticizer and I can be very mean to myself. So when I get into a rut of being hard on myself, I want to be aware of it so I can actively change my mindset on how I treat myself.

 

Stop Bashing Myself

Critiquing is great. Ridiculing is not. I am a person. I make mistakes. Own up to the mistake, learn from it and move forward. (Also complimenting myself every once in a while wouldn’t hurt either)

 

I’m Not Going to Change

Wanting to improve in certain areas of my life is a good thing, but completely changing the foundation of who I am is not. I am me. My friends and family love me for who I am and I should too. So I’m going be uncompromisingly me.
Don’t make my mistake. Please don’t wait for some life threatening event for you to start appreciating yourself. You are incredible and deserve to be celebrated. You deserve to celebrate you.

 

Until next time,
Dana

How to Stay Motivated When You’d Rather Do Nothing

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I don’t know if it’s the winter weather or maybe my lack of a schedule, but I have no motivation to do anything! Do you ever feel this way? My productivity level is nonexistent. I haven’t written anything, gone anywhere or done anything in days. Days. I haven’t even watched Netflix. Mind you, doing nothing can be beneficial. However, it’s not good when you do it multiple days in a row and are slowly becoming one with the blankets, never to see the light of day again.

If you’re also feeling this way, I’ve created a list of tips and tricks to help us both get back on track. Hopefully something on this list will work and fast. Stay tuned.

1) Plan it Out

A written list of all the things you have to do is a double edged sword. While it is great to have everything written down so you can cross it off as you accomplish task after task, the size of the initial list can be paralyzing especially if you have a lot to do. Something that I like to do when I make my to do list is to fold the paper in half. On one side, create the big, scary to do list that has everything on it in no particular order. Then on the other side of the paper, section it off into days (or hours depending on how much time you have) and separate the tasks into those days. That way, you don’t have to do everything all at once and the list becomes more manageable.

2) Have a Clean Space

The more disorganized I am, the less productive I am. Because there are dishes in my sink and clothes on my floor as I’m writing this, my need to write this article is dwindling by the second. Trust me, I know that the correlation between my dishes and my writing is zero, but that does not stop my brain from going, “You have dirty dishes?! You can’t possibly write because there’s a mess in your apartment and therefore your thoughts will also be messy!” And then I stop writing.

So go clean up and do those petty tasks first. If your work space is clean and organized, you’ll probably have an easier time getting your work done. Plus, it’s a productive procrastination tool: you’re still getting small tasks done on your list while avoiding the larger, more intimidating ones until you have the courage to face them.

3) Clean Yourself Up

Yes, I can see those clothes you’ve been wearing for the last three days. If you go clean up, you’ll feel better and smell nicer. You’ll probably be more productive too. Just a thought.

4) Work in Short Increments

So now your living space is clean, you’re clean and your to do list is ready. It’s time to really sit down and work. You know that phrase “work smarter, not harder?” Well, one way to work smarter is by working in short bursts. How short? Well, no less than 15 minutes but no more than 45. Then try to take a 10-15 minute break after each work session. The time limitations are up to you, really. The longer you work, the longer your break should be.

I’m a big fan of working in 20 minute increments with a 5 minute break in between. It’s just a long enough period of time for me to make some serious progress on my work but short enough that I’m not exhausting myself either. Again, every person is different, so make sure your set your time constraints to what works best for you.

5) Acknowledge Your Progress

Did you get all of your work done? Congrats! You did amazing! We are all very proud and you should be too.

If you’re like me, maybe you didn’t get as far in your to do list as you had planned today, but you did do something and that’s awesome too! Especially since a few hours ago there was nothing crossed off your task list and your living space was a disaster. Be proud of the work that you did get done today and start again tomorrow. No worries.

6) Reward Yourself

If you got some of your work done, a little reward. If you got all of your work done, a bigger reward. You earned it. Enjoy it!

 

I hope this list helped you as much as it helped me. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to go do my laundry and clean my dishes so I can continue working! I hope your day will be as productive as mine!

 

Until next time,

Dana

 

 

I Never Knew…

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(DISCLAIMER: This is my experience with chemo side effects and is not the same for all who undergo treatment)

I never knew that I wanted to be tired. I wanted to feel that drag in my step after pulling an all nighter working on homework. I wanted to feel the pull in my eyelids as I chugged a coffee and trudged to my morning class. I am a night owl and I always have been. I thrive in the evenings and late at night when my mind can wander and expand on its own accord. I could spend hours working on one project or another and never lose steam until the sun rose. Once I completed that all nighter my second favorite activity was coming: dreaming. I love to dream. To know that my subconscious is still trying to surprise me around every corner of my own mind is an incredible thing. And when I wake, I will still be tired but satisfied and ready to go. That sensation of tired meant that I worked hard and I accomplished my goals I set out for myself. That sensation meant that I would get to sleep really well the next night because I earned that sleep.

I never knew that I was using the word “tired” wrong. No. Not wrong. Too lightly. I never knew that there was a spectrum of tired. There’s the tired that you want and then there’s a tired that exists that you can’t control. It is so extreme on the spectrum that it hangs precariously off the edge of the tired scale. Any little puff of air will push it right over. This is how I feel every other week. Uncontrollable exhaustion. I never knew that there should be a new word invented that is stronger than “fatigue” or “exhaustion.” Exhaustion is not strong enough to describe the sensation of needing to sleep after chemo (or I assume any other medical treatment). The sleep after chemo is empty for several days. There are no dreams or knowledge of time passing (even though you’ve been out for almost 19 hours). You can’t focus. You’re unmotivated. Your body is weighted down so heavily you’re unsure if you will ever leave your bed again. Being awake for more than a couple hours is a challenge. I never knew how badly I wanted to be awake. I never knew.

I know now.

I know now that it’s important to take care of yourself. To listen to your body and give it what it needs even if it isn’t what you want. If that means sleeping for 22 hours or stretching out sore muscles, then that’s what you do. Maybe it means you have to take some cold medicine to prevent the sniffles. Whatever it may be, listen to your body. You can’t ignore symptoms of illness because that cough could be a lot more than a cold. I know that when you take care of yourself, you will feel better. After a few days of intensive sleeping after the chemo, I become a functional human again and I can be awake and do what I want to do again. I don’t know what would happen if I were to push my body past its limits and I don’t want to know. That’s dangerous. Not just because of chemo but because a person’s body can only take so much stress before they collapse.

I know how to prioritize now. I know that my body and health come first. Resting and healing is more important. My education can wait. This blog can wait. It’s not that I won’t get to them, it will just take a little longer than normal. But I will get there.

I know that whatever it is you’re trying to push through isn’t worth the risk. You only have one body. Pushing through illness and exhaustion is not worth it. Go and rest. You won’t perform your best when you’re feeling sick. Go and take care of you. Everything else can wait. You will get there too.

 

Until next time,

Dana