Tag: Cancer

Three Years Add Up

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It ‘s been three years since I was declared cancer-free! Three years and I’m still left speechless by the thought. Did I really have cancer? Am I in remission now? Am I sure about that?

Don’t worry. I’m still cancer free (got the clear from the doc back in April). I’ve been trying to plan what I was going to say for this post for, I don’t know, months? A year? Every step I’ve taken forward has taken me in a new direction that changes what I’m going to say, what I want to reflect on and even what I want to share with you.

And I know. It’s been a very long time since I’ve shared anything at all. And I know, I made a promise before that I was going to be back. No more promises. I’m not a perfect individual and I can’t promise anything. I use this platform as a way to share my own life experiences so that I may be able to help the next person down the road who finds themselves in my shoes. Regardless of the impact it makes on the universe around me, I want to write right now for my sake.

So, I’m going to write.

Here I am, sitting in my bed, staring at my screen wondering how I’m going to explain what I’m feeling. For the last couple years, Halloween has haunted me. And not in the cool, hipster “yeah I was totally haunted by a ghost,” sort of way. I mean in the “gross, waking up from a nightmare and vomiting in my toilet at 3 in the morning” kind of way. I mean in the “having an anxiety attack while sitting in a classroom learning about the naumachia in Ancient Greece and excusing myself to the hallway so I don’t have a public meltdown” kind of way.

For me, the treatment process is done. Chemo is done. It’s been done for a very long time. But healing is a lifelong process that I’ve been actively working on day in and day out. Each day is better, but I would get to those anniversary dates and all of my work reverts and I feel like I’ve taken 15 steps backwards in the process. And I can’t place my finger on it, but this year is different for some reason. I’m not reverting the way I typically expect.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still struggling- I won’t lie about that. Do I still have some nightmares? Sure. Do I still catch my anxious, wandering mind drift to the insane idea that a cold I have is covering up more severe, underlying symptoms? Absolutely.

I’m also really, really, REALLY proud. I look back at the last three years and I think about all that I’ve done. Come with me for a moment in my small time capsule:

I got cancer, underwent chemotherapy, and SURVIVED.

I went from this:

To this:

And now to this:

My love and respect for my own body has never been so strong.

I went back to school, during which time I stage managed two dance productions, assistant directed a fringe festival and a mainstage production and directed my senior project which I received grant funding from the university for. AND THEN I GRADUATED. Even more I graduated with honors. This past summer after college was a bit weird. Long story short: I moved home, did an internship at a library, a directing residency at a theatre and worked at a retail store for… kicks? (Money. It was for money.)

Then my super cool residency and internship ended and I was stuck in that lost sensation of not knowing where my life was headed (side note: young adult life is just a cyclical process of feeling lost, finding your bearings, getting yourself in order, then getting the rug pulled out from under you. Rinse and repeat).

I felt this way, that is, until I got a call asking me to come work for a local theatre and I said yes. I would walk into a beautiful building with such historic grace and elegance every day and I was getting paid to do it!

And then I made the decision to walk away. A decision that is heart-breaking, but I don’t regret. I’m eager for what’s to come and who gets to come on my little life journey with me wherever it may take me.

If there’s anything I can offer to you it’s this: YOU are so much more than one event in your life- good or bad. You aren’t loved for what you’ve done or what you’ve experienced, but for who you are. You are loved because you exist.

So has it been three years since I was diagnosed? Yes. Did I really have cancer? Yes. Am I in remission? HELL yes.

When I get those nightmares or I feel my breath quicken, I look at the apartment that I’m now living in, or the office I work in and I remember I am more than that singular experience. It’s one piece of a very confusing culmination that is me: Dana. A young individual learning how to be an adult and maintain a loving soul in a world that forgets it’s okay to be happy.

But if there’s anything that I could have possibly learned from my cancer experience and from the cancer experiences of people around me is that I cannot live in fear of a date or an anniversary. I cannot live waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I know I didn’t mention them, but the last three years have brought a lot of negative experiences as well.

But they don’t matter. They don’t matter because I processed, learned and moved forward, carrying it with me to the next experience- good or bad. I lived through them. I lived.

I’m living.

Until Next Time,

Dana

Advice to Myself

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Look. Y’all don’t have to read this one but I figure if I don’t put this in a very public space, I’ll never commit or apply any of the advice I’m about to give to myself. You’re welcome to take it as well, but I won’t be offended if you don’t (secret: I won’t even know. Computer screens are funny that way). 

But some story time first:

In case if you haven’t gathered from the lack of blog posts, I am busy. All of the time. I’ve had more free time in the last week than I have in the last eight months.

8. MONTHS.

People get more vacation time than that when they work regular jobs. So why am I keeping myself so busy? 

It’s a combination of a lot of things: I’m a motivated human bean. I have a fear of being useless to society. I was raised to desire working and to desire the satisfaction of success and growth. 

But let’s jump back to that second one I slid in the last sentence ever so casually:

“I have a fear of being useless to society.”

I’ll be honest about it that is absolutely why I created this blog in the first place. I got cancer. I had to pull myself out of society and therefore became useless.

Now I know, I know. You’re going to say, “But Dana! You talked about this in your last blog post, A Year In Review. Give us some new content!”

I will. Promise. But I gotta finish this thought first.

Yes. I don’t mind being busy, but I’ve never considered why I keep myself busy. Maybe it’s my Type A personality barging into my life. Perhaps it’s because I don’t know how to say no to people. It could be my motivation trying to get me to do everything all at once. Maybe I really do have a fear of being useless to society.

All of these are true. Guilty. 

More than all of these, I think I have an unspoken fear of running out of time.

(This is the part where you gasp and say “This mid-life crisis fear hitting a 22-year-old! How unreasonable!”)

Not exactly. In case if we all forgot the reason why I started this blog (*cough* cancer), mortality is a lot closer to me than most young adults.

I should have this idiotic idea that I’m invincible as a 20-something-year-old and can drink all the alcohol, do all the stupid things and live.

And I do all of those dumb things, but mainly because I’m trying to get back normal life, not because of some insane complex society allows college kids to live by before they’re struck in the face by the metal baseball bat that is life.

 But while I’m doing these ridiculously fun and menial things, there’s always something in the back of my brain going: this is pointless. Be useful why don’t you? You don’t have time like everyone else. 

WHICH IS INSANE and self-centered! But here we are in the depths of my brain (quite the wild ride. We won’t delve too deep there).

So in this weird place titled “Dana’s Brain,” I have convinced myself that I must do all of the things this instant or I will run out of time and not be able to do all of the things because I’m running out of time.

I can’t explain it and I’m not going to try to. Instead, this is what I am telling myself:

  1. Knock it off. I love you and you’ve got time. More than that, you need to give yourself the time to exist. You’ll have time to be stressed out and busy later in life when you’re 40 with a full-time job and responsibilities.
  2. All those things you’re avoiding by being busy? You should address that stuff. It’s important too. No one dies saying “I’m really glad I’m kicking the can with all this stress on my back.”
  3. You’re okay. Really truly. Breathe. Learn to do some things for you and if you can’t, find someone to show you.
  4. Take more trips. That featured image you put at the top of this post of some cool mountains you saw in Colorado? You don’t have nearly enough photos of that. You definitely need more. 🙂
  5. Make sure you’re busy doing things you like. Otherwise, you’re going to hate everything.


Life is crazy and confusing. You know it. I know it. We’re all pretty honest here. So let’s have some fun in 2019 and remind ourselves of what’s really important.


Thanks for listening.



Until Next Time,


Dana

A Year in Review

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My last post title is so funny looking back at it. I’m back? HAH.

I just check to see when I last posted and the time stamp says AUGUST 2017.

THAT’S A YEAR AND FOUR MONTHS SINCE MY LAST POST.

I’d apologize for not writing more, but the truth is, I’m not. I’ve been out living a little instead of writing. However, I am sorry if reading my blog was something you regularly enjoyed reading (hi mom).

Since it’s been such a long time, let me bring you up to speed on my life:

  1. I’m a super senior in college getting ready to graduate in May (No. I don’t have a plan yet. Please don’t ask.)
  2. I’ve stage-managed three productions, house managed for two, artistic directed a Fringe Festival, assistant directed for a main stage production and created my first lighting design.
  3. I have a billion things on my to do list before the end of the semester.
  4. Number three is a lie, but I still have a lot on my list.
  5. I took a spring break trip to Colorado it was life changing.
  6. I performed for the first time in two years this summer and it was my own writing.
  7. I’ve had five or six oncology appointments since the last time we’ve chatted and I am better than ever. My oncologist told me in my last appointment that it was like the cancer wasn’t there in the first place.
  8. I can put my hair into a half pony tail now!
  9.  I am working in the scene shop at my university and it is by far the best job I’ve ever had.
  10. I had to put down two of my doggos this past month, so I’ve been pretty sad. But they’re in a better place so it’s okay.
  11. I’ll be getting to work as a Props Artisan on a professional show in January.

And this is just a small version of what I’ve done in the last year and a half. There have been really big ups and downs across the board, but that’s just life. My time has been filled to the brim and since this blog is something I do for fun, there hasn’t been any time for it.

I didn’t realize how much time I had to myself to be creative when I was undergoing treatment. I had time to heal, write and be creative as I could in my waking hours. However, the real world doesn’t work like that. You don’t always get that kind of time to pause and reflect. Even now, I don’t have time. I have four projects and a show I should be working on, but I wanted to give myself a moment to pause and talk with you.

I’m okay with being busy. I’d rather not have time. When I was undergoing treatment, it was like my whole life was on pause and the only way to make it move forward was if I filled it with something because I was forced to stop doing all the things I loved. It was infuriating to say the least.

And because I wasn’t doing anything, I saw the world was still moving without me. It was hard to watch. I felt like I wasn’t needed.  I know I’m wanted, but I felt as though I wasn’t needed and that was one of the most difficult sensations to overcome. But my dad reminded me of something that his teacher once asked him:

What are all the things you want to accomplish in your time on this earth?

Of course I have a list for that: write a play, direct, love, explore, travel, do all the other things every blogger on this platform talks about.

But then my dad’s teacher asked another question:

What would this world be missing without you in it?

The cynic in me says nothing would be missing. The world would keep moving as it does and eventually someone else would come up with whatever I created or contributed to society.

But that’s not true. If I weren’t here, the world would be missing an optimist. A writer. A lover. A friend. A sister. An explorer. And everything I am to become. Look at what I’ve done in the last 22 years alone! Who knows what I can do next! Without me in the world, we would never know! That’s one “What If” I don’t want to live with.

So now my life has been un-paused and it feels like it’s fast forwarding to make up for lost time. And I have a lot left to do. Get ready!

I’m hoping to write a little more than before, but I can’t guarantee anything. If it’s been a while, just know that I’m out living to bring back stories for you!

Thank you for waiting for me to live a little.

 

Until Next Time,

Dana Qualy